There are ways to really live in the present moment….

So, my post yesterday was all about coming back and kicking butt and being a bad ass bitch. BUT then I didn’t sleep well and it was rainy and I was tired and yada yada yada.  I didn’t hit up the gym like I had planned. I know excuses excuses.

BUT I need to start taking small steps instead of expecting miraculous changes in my behavior over night.  30 minutes of my own physical therapy session was what I did and it really did make me feel more positive about myself.  I listened to a motivational speech playlist on 8tracks and felt pretty decent about myself.

I have my alarm set for tomorrow so I can at least fit in a stretch and a mild exercise regime in the A.M.

The biggest thing is not harping on my poor choices but focusing on my positive ones.

Positives of today:

1. Waking up and getting up 🙂 (hehhe)
2. Making it to and from work in yucky rain with no issues
3. My students improving their multiplication skills!
4. Students LOVING the simple activity I picked for them on the fly
5. Eating a kind bar for breakfast and carrots/hummus for lunch
6. Drinking 80 oz of water today
7. Doing my physical therapy stretches for the first time in a month

Tomorrow is ALREADY Wednesday! Woot!Woot!

Every small step is a step

So, I’m learning that I have to focus on small goals or else I get a bit discouraged!  Now that the weather has cleared a bit and it’s staying brighter out later, I’m much more motivated to do *things* after work.  For a while there(like…a year) I would just come home and veg if I had no plans.  I can’t believe that was my reality. BUT it was…oh well!

If the weather has been remotely warmish(above 45) I’ve been trying to get outside a bit since that’s an automatic mood booster.

Here is me “wogging” aka mostly walking but some light jogging at the boardwalk.   I hit up the elliptical yesterday and for some reason my back/ribs are very achey today.  My scoliosis doesn’t enjoy my running but I’ve been stretching and foam rolling like a beast lately. Still that time of year when it’s wayyy colder at the beach (ok like 10 degrees) then at my apt 2 miles inland. lol.

I’ve been experimenting with cooking(beginner cook over here). I had a lil gathering at my apt yesterday(Sunday) which is usually my meal prepping/organize for the work week day so I made sausage and peppers in the crock pot.  SUCCESS!

I had pasta with it. Oh well. I’m trying to finish all the pasta I  have in my apt so that I can reload with quinoa pasta. And of course spaghetti squash!

 

And I was super impressed with my snack display at my mini apt gathering.  I’m kind of new to being “hostess” to anything…not usually my thang. BUT I’m getting less stressed over it. Initially I was going to make these elaborate snacks and then I simplified(as a I should start doing in all aspects of my life). 3 ingredient fruit dip(vanilla yogurt, peanut butter, honey..YUM!!), and guacamole(my first time making it from scratch I know weird. And I used bottled lime juice instead of real lime and it def makes a difference).

Life is about balance. I’m learning what works best for me and focusing less on trying to be perfect. It’s all about compromise.  Running DOES make me super achy because of my scoliosis. BUT if I stretch enough I’m hoping it’ll at least prevent major injury since jogging provides me with so much mental relief.

3 pictures of positive steps I took this week. Go ME!

Motivation!

My goodness. I’m a teacher and understand it’s very difficult to “teach” motivation. But damn. I used to be “Ms.Motivated”. I used to LOVE working out.   And I am just struggling with motivation lately.

I paid for/joined that 6 week bootcamp thing in November out of desperation because I knew I didn’t have it in me to push that hard. I’m at that point again.

Money is so tight right now but I’m thinking of paying more $$ ontop of my gym membership to do their semi-private workout group.   I need someone pushing me and monitoring my form etc.  I’m half unmotivated to work out and I’m half terrified I’ll injure myself.

I love the idea of the “beachbody” type groups where you follow each other on facebook and have support groups HOWEVER I’m not about the programs. I’m not saying they’re not good programs. They are hella expensive though.   I’d love to be a “coach” in the sense of just posting workouts/motivation/meals etc without the link to a specific program.

Is there such a thing? I’m much better at motivating other people than myself so if I had to do things to motivate others I think I’d do better.

Welp..maybe I’ll set up my own online support group that you don’t have to pay $120 for a specific product.

Positive Affirmations

So,  for Lent I have decided to not give up something but do something positive for myself. I’m not the best Catholic but figure while everyone is giving up chocolate etc that they’ll binge eat at the end of Lent, I want to think more positively instead of “give up”. SO, I decided to read and repeat daily affirmations on the daily.

My biggest struggle in my journey to wellness is the negative self perception I have. SO, I really need to start raising my self esteem and self confidence before I can get myself in tip-top shape.  I enjoy the idea of positive affirmations. I also am working on having a key phrase when negative thoughts and worries pop into my head.   I think what’s most positive and what’s working for me is to say “This serves no purpose” or a simple “let it go”.  While I don’t use it for all my negative thoughts yet, some of the pointless worries that cross my mind have been pushed way with these simple utterances to myself.

SO, today I had my first decent workout in a while. I’ve started at this “new gym”(I say “new gym” because I’ve been a member since December but have barely attended). I’ve been super intimidated by the lay out. My old gym I knew where all the machines were that I needed and I had built a type of confidence and security there. This new gym I feel like I’m still a “guest”. BUT today, I totally went in and owned the place.   Initially, I chickened out and went to my safety elliptical. BUT I went on the “fat burn” on elliptical which I generally don’t do so that was a nice chance of pace. THEN…I decided to (wo)man up and hit up the TRX which was in the center of the gym. I did  a few variations of squats with those.  Hit up 2 machines in the “man section(I say man section because it’s by the free weights and the machines that are very male dominated).  And I enjoy did a little ab exercise on the side of the gym. SO..I’d say this is a very good start to March and I’m going in the right direction with fitness. And by right direction I mean ANY physical activity. I’ve been a true bump on a log since my bootcamp ended.

Spring is almost here and I’m going to be a bridesmaid in 3 months so it’s time I get my act together!!!

Staritng with loving myself and appreciating the small positive steps in the right direction.

“So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul…”

Amen to that.  I have this weird fear of dependency. I don’t even drink coffee I think because the idea of getting hooked and needing something everyday freaks me out.  I’ve never smoked a thing in my life because I’ve seen from my own mother how addictive smoking can be and I don’t ever want to have to depend on something like that.  The good news is this year I’ve become more aware of my dependency issues. Not only that, but I’ve learned I can function independently just fine.

Looking back on my past, I don’t know why there was ever a reason for me to doubt my ability to be independent.  But here I am…standing on my own 2 feet after a tough year.(few years? Life? hehe).  I know my struggles aren’t as huge as other people’s struggles. But I’m coming out of the dark place I’ve been in and feel much better about myself.

Still a lot of things I need to work on, but baby steps.

Today I am sick with a cold.  Been fighting the good fight (elementary teacher problems), washing my hands like a fiend at work,  taking extra vitamins, having my green smoothie shakes in the morning. BUT there’s only so much you can do before the 18 sneezing/coughing/boogery students get ya sick. I’m trying the natural approach to remedying my cold. We’ll see if it works. This pic cracks me up. And yes, I took a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.  Gnarly.

This is what my day looks like. Although what I have to look into is what about the month of February makes me sick. Every year it seems to be a pattern of illness. For some reason the winter month of February is when my immune system says “OK! I’m done fighting for you!”. I need to figure out (outside of a vitamin D deficiency) if there is an allergy or something in February.

Anywho, on the topic of planting my own garden..my continual intro to teaching myself how to cook(and relatively healthy) has been successful.  Last superbowl Sunday I made myself Lettuce Wrapped Tacos. And yes I did watch the SuperBowl and eat my Tacos by myself. #noshame

Boom. Success. FYI I ended up having to use a fork and knife. The lettuce just wasn’t making it easy to eat. And yes, I drank beer. Gooooo football.

My  breakfast smoothie prep. I love that I have a months worth of breakfast smoothies in individual zip locks in the freezer.

AND. As far as independence go…for a while I didn’t feel motivated to make elaborate meals because “it’s just me” and “not like I’m cooking for anyone else”. And Then I realized….that I do deserve a real life full meal.  One day I came home work and decided to make myself something yummy. For a beginner cook, I’m proud of myself. Baked Almond Flour breaded chicken with bbq sauce over greens, mixed veggies and potatoes( I went a lil heavy on potatoes but whatever).

I haven’t been to the gym. But, I’d say that I’m taking small, functional steps in a healthy progression. Once I’m able to breathe again I’ll start back at the gym. I like that I’m finally giving myself credit for making positive choices.

I am enough

So, haven’t written in here in a while.  I’ve definitely lost my focus. I’ve gone to the gym one or 2 times a week lately. My diet has been atrocious. And aside from this weekend being my bday weekend, the majority of my time off has been spent binge watching Netflix.

This time of winter I do generally go into the anti-social, hibernation mode. Living on my own is just enabling the isolation of humanity. Fortunately, I had a good bday weekend.

I’m feelng very lucky that I have people in this world that care about me. More importantly, I am feeling very lucky that there are people in this world who think I’m a good person. Since I’ve been in this funk, somehow, my inner voice kept telling me I’m a bad person and a bad friend.  When I would vocalize this to anyone, I know how irrational it sounds.

I work with special needs children. I often put everyone elses feelings before mine. I’ve done my fair share of volunteer work.  I’m polite to people. Aside from the occasional underage drinking back in the day and speeding, I’ve never done anything illegal.

SO, I KNOW that me thinking I’m a bad person is just ridiculous. BUT that’s where I was.  Mentally I’m still not loving myself.  I’m overweight. And just blah! Can’t fit into things I used to. SOOO….yea.  I’m meeting with a personal trainer for a free session for my bday so I’m hoping he/she will make me feel a little more comfortable about the machines at the gym. I used to be a beast at the gym I used to go to but now that I’m in new turf I feel kind of funky.

I’ll get back in my groove!

I posted this bold pic of me at the beach this summer on social meda which is NOT how I usually roll.   I was feeling totally down with life, down with my self. My ankle injury was preventing me from any lower body workouts. Since then I’ve probably gained about 15 pounds so even though I was unhappy with my weight then, I’d happily go back to it!. And this angle is flattering for anyone but I’ll post it because this is the caption I had for it:

I’m in the worst shape of my life & have been feeling like crap about myself. Ya know what, I don’t look 1/2 bad considering! ‪#‎selflove‬ ‪#‎hatersgonnahate‬ ‪#‎ownit