Small steps

Hello cyberspace!!!      So today’s post will be me, patting myself on the back from the positive steps I’ve taken in 2016 thus far.

First of all,   I turned 30!! Wooohooo!  The anxiety leading up to turning 30 was much worse than actually turning 30. I almost feel this new sense of confidence. Like, I literally am not on this planet to people please.  I’m 30…I do what I want.

Secondly, at the end of February I took a big leap of faith and signed up for small group training classes at my gym.  It’s additional money but I like the idea that there’s a trainer in the room focusing on only maybe 3-12 people opposed to the big group classes where there could be 20-30 people in the room.

Thirdly,  I’ve began to attempt 5:15 am classes at the gym!  I always said I would attempt that but I lacked follow through. Well, it’s been about a month and I’ve made it to at least 4 of these gym sessions pre-work if I knew making it to the gym after work wasn’t likely. And…here’s the best part, I don’t hate it. In fact, I real big part of me enjoys it.  I have always been a morning person in the sense that once I’m awake I’m not a complete zombie. But honestly, now that it’s not FREEZING outside at 5 am it’s really not too bad.  It definitely helps that I go to a 30 minute HIIT class at the gym so I know that someone will be there telling me exactly what to do. Because if I just showed up at the gym at 5, I would probably just stand on the elliptical for 3o minutes and not fully utilize my time effectively. ALSO,  the first morning class I almost snoozed through but didn’t..I ended up making it to the beach for sunrise….so there’s that!! Look at this beautiful photo.   I literally felt like the universe was rewarding me for going against my inner voice of “go back to bed” and getting my butt up to work out.

 

Lastly,   I’ve gone to yoga twice now in the past month of re entering physical activity and I wasn’t totally hard on myself either! Half way through both classes I felt a sort of calm peace. Not to mention, I really felt like my body was responding positively to it. Down dog wasn’t complete painful 3 minutes into it,  and my arms were starting to look pretty darn toned (gotta love Chaturanga and down dog for that).

My breakfast and lunch during the week is always healthy, it’s my dinner and weekends I need to focus on now in the month of April.  My next post will be the first time I admit that I have a fast food addiction.

But, for now, let’s focus on the positive!

Motivation!

My goodness. I’m a teacher and understand it’s very difficult to “teach” motivation. But damn. I used to be “Ms.Motivated”. I used to LOVE working out.   And I am just struggling with motivation lately.

I paid for/joined that 6 week bootcamp thing in November out of desperation because I knew I didn’t have it in me to push that hard. I’m at that point again.

Money is so tight right now but I’m thinking of paying more $$ ontop of my gym membership to do their semi-private workout group.   I need someone pushing me and monitoring my form etc.  I’m half unmotivated to work out and I’m half terrified I’ll injure myself.

I love the idea of the “beachbody” type groups where you follow each other on facebook and have support groups HOWEVER I’m not about the programs. I’m not saying they’re not good programs. They are hella expensive though.   I’d love to be a “coach” in the sense of just posting workouts/motivation/meals etc without the link to a specific program.

Is there such a thing? I’m much better at motivating other people than myself so if I had to do things to motivate others I think I’d do better.

Welp..maybe I’ll set up my own online support group that you don’t have to pay $120 for a specific product.

Positive Affirmations

So,  for Lent I have decided to not give up something but do something positive for myself. I’m not the best Catholic but figure while everyone is giving up chocolate etc that they’ll binge eat at the end of Lent, I want to think more positively instead of “give up”. SO, I decided to read and repeat daily affirmations on the daily.

My biggest struggle in my journey to wellness is the negative self perception I have. SO, I really need to start raising my self esteem and self confidence before I can get myself in tip-top shape.  I enjoy the idea of positive affirmations. I also am working on having a key phrase when negative thoughts and worries pop into my head.   I think what’s most positive and what’s working for me is to say “This serves no purpose” or a simple “let it go”.  While I don’t use it for all my negative thoughts yet, some of the pointless worries that cross my mind have been pushed way with these simple utterances to myself.

SO, today I had my first decent workout in a while. I’ve started at this “new gym”(I say “new gym” because I’ve been a member since December but have barely attended). I’ve been super intimidated by the lay out. My old gym I knew where all the machines were that I needed and I had built a type of confidence and security there. This new gym I feel like I’m still a “guest”. BUT today, I totally went in and owned the place.   Initially, I chickened out and went to my safety elliptical. BUT I went on the “fat burn” on elliptical which I generally don’t do so that was a nice chance of pace. THEN…I decided to (wo)man up and hit up the TRX which was in the center of the gym. I did  a few variations of squats with those.  Hit up 2 machines in the “man section(I say man section because it’s by the free weights and the machines that are very male dominated).  And I enjoy did a little ab exercise on the side of the gym. SO..I’d say this is a very good start to March and I’m going in the right direction with fitness. And by right direction I mean ANY physical activity. I’ve been a true bump on a log since my bootcamp ended.

Spring is almost here and I’m going to be a bridesmaid in 3 months so it’s time I get my act together!!!

Staritng with loving myself and appreciating the small positive steps in the right direction.

“So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul…”

Amen to that.  I have this weird fear of dependency. I don’t even drink coffee I think because the idea of getting hooked and needing something everyday freaks me out.  I’ve never smoked a thing in my life because I’ve seen from my own mother how addictive smoking can be and I don’t ever want to have to depend on something like that.  The good news is this year I’ve become more aware of my dependency issues. Not only that, but I’ve learned I can function independently just fine.

Looking back on my past, I don’t know why there was ever a reason for me to doubt my ability to be independent.  But here I am…standing on my own 2 feet after a tough year.(few years? Life? hehe).  I know my struggles aren’t as huge as other people’s struggles. But I’m coming out of the dark place I’ve been in and feel much better about myself.

Still a lot of things I need to work on, but baby steps.

Today I am sick with a cold.  Been fighting the good fight (elementary teacher problems), washing my hands like a fiend at work,  taking extra vitamins, having my green smoothie shakes in the morning. BUT there’s only so much you can do before the 18 sneezing/coughing/boogery students get ya sick. I’m trying the natural approach to remedying my cold. We’ll see if it works. This pic cracks me up. And yes, I took a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.  Gnarly.

This is what my day looks like. Although what I have to look into is what about the month of February makes me sick. Every year it seems to be a pattern of illness. For some reason the winter month of February is when my immune system says “OK! I’m done fighting for you!”. I need to figure out (outside of a vitamin D deficiency) if there is an allergy or something in February.

Anywho, on the topic of planting my own garden..my continual intro to teaching myself how to cook(and relatively healthy) has been successful.  Last superbowl Sunday I made myself Lettuce Wrapped Tacos. And yes I did watch the SuperBowl and eat my Tacos by myself. #noshame

Boom. Success. FYI I ended up having to use a fork and knife. The lettuce just wasn’t making it easy to eat. And yes, I drank beer. Gooooo football.

My  breakfast smoothie prep. I love that I have a months worth of breakfast smoothies in individual zip locks in the freezer.

AND. As far as independence go…for a while I didn’t feel motivated to make elaborate meals because “it’s just me” and “not like I’m cooking for anyone else”. And Then I realized….that I do deserve a real life full meal.  One day I came home work and decided to make myself something yummy. For a beginner cook, I’m proud of myself. Baked Almond Flour breaded chicken with bbq sauce over greens, mixed veggies and potatoes( I went a lil heavy on potatoes but whatever).

I haven’t been to the gym. But, I’d say that I’m taking small, functional steps in a healthy progression. Once I’m able to breathe again I’ll start back at the gym. I like that I’m finally giving myself credit for making positive choices.

Remembering my “Why”

Week 2 (almost) complete in my “transformation challenge“:

6 conditioning classes attended

1 yoga class

1 long walk on the boardwalk

Out of the 12 days I’ve put focus in, I’ve had 2 complete cheat meals and a few sweet snacks.

3.8 lbs loss (as of this morning)

Overall: Awesome for me!   I’m already mentally preparing for Thanksgiving week.  I don’t plan on missing any conditioning classes and plan on doing some cardio Thanksgiving morning at the gym.

This is the hardest holiday season I am going into personally. I have a lot of emotional baggage I’ve been holding onto for a while, in particular this year which is one of the many reasons I let myself get so out of shape.

I’m trying to use exercise and diet to lift me up and as a coping mechanism. Meal prepping and exercising is keeping my schedule busy which is a good thing. I don’t need anyone else to partake in the act of eating healthy and exercising which makes the “loneliness” and lack of support less apparent.

I will be emotional this holiday season and all things considering it’s ok.

I have to remember my why. WHY did I decide to change my ways. Why am I motivated to exercise more and get it better shape. Why am I working on my physical AND mental wellness.

My Why’s:

1. Lose weight (for my height, I am an unhealthy weight)

2. To fit back into my pants! (everything got snug real quick)

3. To feel better about myself (something I am doing positive will give my inner self more reason to feel positive about myself)

4. To get more energy (so sluggish!)

5. To get motivated again (I used to be Ms.Motivated…what happened?)

6. To get me out of my rut ( Better diet more exercise = goodbye depression)

7. To convince myself that I am in fact an adult (and can make adult/healthy meals all by myself)

8. To busy myself enough to prevent that “lonely” feeling (exercise and meal planning is pretty much a new hobby)

9. To prove to myself that I can take control over this aspect of my life

10. To decrease aches and pains from lack of motion/overweight and poor diet (scoliosis back and hip pain have been horrendous.

Commitment is pushing yourself when no one else is around

Amen to that subject line.  That’s part of the reason why I started this blog. So I could be honest with myself and if I send my thoughts into a public place on cyberspace, it is actually reality!

SO, I’m giving myself major props today.

Positive actions I did today:

1.  Got up and out by 9:00 am to go to the grocery store. Beat the mad rush AND 95% of the items in my cart were healthy!(everything but the grated parm cheese, oh well) *bravo*

2. I ordered my bridesmaid dress finally. The reality of the size I had to order(and ladies KNOW bridesmaid dresses generally run small). But let’s just say I was one size away from the plus size where you have to pay extra. Can we say ridiculous?!  I mean, I am a busty chick but….I’m hoping that come the wedding time,(JUNE…),  I’ll actually have to spend money to take in that dress. TBT.

3. I meal prepped.  NOW, let me first give myself props for…cooking. I have this weird fear of the kitchen. I just don’t feel like I belong. Cooking makes me anxious. I feel clueless.  Especially when other people are involved. I feel like I will just disappoint. BUT the plus side of today was….I had nobody to impress but myself.  I started easy. With paleo style meatballs(pretty much, just no breadcrumbs).  Just the fact that I dealt with raw meat that wasn’t chicken is big for me. And if I had known meatballs were so easy to make I would have started making them a long time ago. Yes I am 28 and YES I am just learning how to cook. Good for me though! I learned lessons today too. Like..the amount of time it takes to thaw a lb of ground beef(and how to thaw in a microwave, eek, I know but nobody got time for dat).  AND, that 1 lb of ground beef really didn’t make a lot of meatballs. I thought I’d have more meatballs to freeze. Tomorrow I’ll be heating up those meatballs and making some spaghetti squash(I’ve only done that once before as well. SOOOO this is ALL new to me.

Dinners have been my real struggle .I will pick up anything fast and processed because it’s less effort and thought on my part. BUT NO MORE!

My 1st “6 week transformation challenge” class is tomorrow and I’m really trying to make the right choices to get the most out of the experience.

That being said. Tonight I had Wendy’s. Yes, I admit it. And I’m trying to finish up the slice of peanut butter pie I got last week SOOOOO….splurging all the way.

4. Lastly, Printed a calendar and have every intention of plugging in when I workout. This week I already put stickers when I am going to the class. Because I need to view it as an appt. A must. And there is something so satisfying to me about having a hard copy calendar and putting stickers on it, my calendar on my phone just doesn’t do it for me. The more visuals the better for me 🙂

Gotta focus on the small steps.

Starting tomorrow I’ll be plugging in my food choices to My Fitness Pal and taking my exercise to the next level.

1 positive step a day will lead to multiple positive results in the long term. #boompow

My war with the scale

Scales are stupid. There I said it.  One stupid number shouldn’t define YOU as a person. I *know* this. HOWEVER, that number sure does know how to get inside my head and taunt me.

So from a young age I didn’t like the scale. Well, false. I started not liking the scale when I hit puberty.  I was of average weight. But then puberty hit and I pretty much hit my max height in 7th grade, yet my weight continued to increase.

I’ll never forget my pediatrician saying that for my height, I should be 105lbs. I was around 120lbs at the time. He said I should lose a few. I cried.

So in high school, I tended to go through phases of caring about my weight.  There were times that I’d eat a granola bar, look at the calories and get on the treadmill until I burned it off.  I’d pack a cucumber for lunch(with ranch dressing lol).  Then I’d go from that to eating French fries ( my forever weakness of life).

It wasn’t a HUGE problem for me but I remember not being happy with my body/weight at the time. I stayed around the 125/130 mark for a while thinking (I really need to lose 10/15 pounds).

College I gained weight. I’d go through spurts of caring. I pretty much was in a relationship the majority of college though, so that gave me some kind of peace about my weight “Ok, I don’t like my body but at least he does so I can’t be that awful”.

Then after college I went through a rough patch and put on a little more weight.

Then I eventually booked a personal trainer at the gym. I was a good, 20 lbs heavier than when I left high school.  I got obsessive with my fitness and diet for a while. Keeping a food journal, working out ALOT, checking the scale daily. At first it was good. The scale held me accountable.

Then the scale started to not budge.  I’d be working out like crazy, my diet was pretty great. I remember my trainer saying “Looks like you’ve been losing weight!” and me saying “NO! The scale hasn’t moved in 2 weeks!”

Looking back I know now that I was toning and gaining muscle. But at the time I felt like “whats the point in putting forth all this effort if I’m not losing weight”.

THEN, the opposite happened. It was summer and I started slacking.  I’d get on the scale after a BAD week of splurging and no exercise and I only put on like 1 pound. So I felt invincible.

Next thing you know, all those skinny clothes I got when I had been in good shape didn’t fit anymore and I was back to the original weight I started with.

I continued to work out here and there but eventually life got a bit more ehectic and exercising and eating healthy became more of a hassle than just a part of my schedule.

Then 3 years later I’m 50 lbs heavier than I should be.  I’ve been avoiding scales. Then I get on and it’s a shock to my brain!

50 pounds!!! I used to have to lose 10 lbs. and now I”m that person that needs to lose 50 lbs!!! If I couldn’t lose 10 lbs how man I going to f*cking lose 50?!

This year alone I’ve put on 25 pounds! I know it was a stressful year but damn.

The good news is this was an eye opener for me. THIS is why I’ve been so tired, and un motivated and injury prone and achey.

And I cannot focus on the #.

BUT that number made me call a local small gym  that was promoting a 6 week fitness challenge. And I signed up. I’m broke the last thing I should do is spend that much money. BUT…that’s exacty why I need to do it.  I’m down in the dumps, I feel bad about myself. I’m in awful shape. And I NEED help getting myself back and motivated to work out regularly. Regardless of my regular schedule, I need to make time for this. and I will

I’m excited for this.  It’s so much more than losing weight for me. It’s not about you, scale, it’s about ME! 🙂