Moving forward

Hello fitness blog! Long time no see!  So, what I learned throughout this “Journey to Wellness” so far is that you(I) really need to work from the inside out.

It’s taken me a while and a lot of not great feelings to get  me to this point where I’m saying “OK! Time to move forward!”

I finally began to admit to myself as well as friends that the “How did I allow myself to get like this?!?!” Well the answer was simple.

1. Injuries.
2. STRESS
3. Depression
4. Anxiety
5. STRESS

I really put in effort to address these issues.  It’s been a struggle but I’m back and willing to move forward to that’s all that matters.

It took me dress shopping for a wedding and realizing I’m now that person who hates photograph outside of selfies that only photograph from the neck up! That is NOT the way to live.

So since my last post I had an Achilles injury. I started physical therapy for that and everyone told me to not do much physical activity until that was healed.  Throughout THAT process I finally came to realize that the hip pain I’ve had for the past 13+ years was not ok so I should get that checked out.

The docs had me worried for a second that I had some tear they’d have to do surgery to fix BUT….turns out I have bilateral tendonitis of the hips.  Which…..is really not the worse case scenario.

I thought my scoliosis was the reason for all this hip pain but it was not.  I was also paranoid that since osteoarthritis runs in my family that I was going to need a hip replacement.  As per my x-ray sand MRI my hip joints are “pristine” as the doctor put it.

So, I will be

A.  Doing serious stretching of my hips.

B.  I will continue to run if I feel like it because I’m not grinding my hips to a pulp and running makes me happy!!!!

That being said…I really truly do know mostly what I have to do…it’s just freaking doing it!!!!

I told myself that tomorrow I’d get my booty to the gym, it’s been nearly half a year since I’ve gone which is just…ridiculous. Even if I just get on the elliptical(after 30 minutes of stretching so I don’t injure my hips/Achilles) I’m going to do it!!

I hope to build an audience on this blog so I have some cyber encouragement on this journey and maybe I’ll actually start posting more!!!

I’m back and I’m ready to be the bad ass bitch I was destined to be. hehe.

Stay tuned folks.  Hip tendonitis, scoliosis, ankle injuries, depression/anxiety, life struggles, stress, negative self talk is not going to hold me back anymore!!!

Putting me first!

The recurring issue I am having mentally is learning that my feelings are real and legitimate and not any less important than my friends and families feelings.  My needs and desires are JUST as important and quite frankly, in my world they should be MORE important, than anyone else’s.

I’m in that stage of my late twenties when much of my time and money is being invested in other people.   Weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, first communions, engagement parties, housewarming parties, babies first birthday, 1st communions etc.   Financially I am struggling lately and it’s so hard to really think about how much money I am putting towards other people. Just being a bridesmaid for one wedding is costing me about $1000 when all is said and done (dress, alterations, shoes, bridal shower, gifts, hotel room, bachelorette party). Legitimately, I am working a 2nd job to cover the costs of my friends/families life milestones.   Then I get worried applying to another weekend job because I have some kind of shower/celebration the next 3 weeks and then again in another month!

I don’t want to be THAT person that isn’t happy for everyone else. I really, and truly am happy for all my friends/family who find happiness in whatever life event they are experiencing currently. And I am so honored to be close enough to someone that they would want me to be a part of their “big day”.  I’m in my 4th wedding now in the past 6 years.  Believe me, there are friends of mine that were in 4 weddings in one year.

BUT I start to ask myself…do they appreciate the fact that I have to work a 2nd job to be a part of her big day? That I am spending the little $ I have….on THEM and their life.

I feel very Carrie Bradshaw like because there’s the episode where she has like a “I’m marrying myself” party.    I know (hope/pray!) that one day I’ll have milestones to share, but right now it’s really just a one way giving streak (me being the giver….my friends/family being the receivers).   It’s just hard….when it’s the people you spend a lot of your very little money on that you tend to see less and less and you become less and less a part of their life with every new milestone they experience. So it’s like “Welp! I’ve spent $1600 on their engagement party, wedding, bachelorette, bridal shower, housewarming, baby shower, baptism, babies first bday” and then you never hear from them again. Or you only hear from them when they’re sending you an invitation to their NEXT big life event.

It’s not selfish of me to stop giving if I don’t feel like these people are positively contributing to my life in some way. It’s not rude of me if I have to give less than the “proper etiquette” amount of a gift if I don’t have that money.  If these people really do appreciate me they will understand that I am giving as much as I can without putting myself in a bad place financially (although I already am in a bad place financially because of family that I helped get out of a tough place).

It’s NOT selfish to put me first! I need to stop basing my decisions on other peoples feelings and just do what makes me feel good.

I deserve better.

This week was one of those weeks I felt kind of “blah” again.  It’s been a long work week. So long that I took today off for my own sanity. Spring break is coming up (thank goodness…I just need a whole week away from the grind).

“I deserve better” goes towards a lot of things in my life.   I deserve to feel good, I deserve to eat good, I deserve to be fit, I deserve a healthy relationship…etc etc.

This was another week of not the best choices diet and exercise wise.  I started off the week ok but with stress I just go back to the familiar feeling. “Let me just pick up something quick”.  “I’m too tired to go to the gym”  “I’m too tired to get up and exercise”.  I’ll get there. This break I’m looking forward to meal prepping and such and setting up something simple to follow for these busy, stressful times.

I deserve better even goes towards relationships. So, I’m single and would like to change that sooner than later. It’s been a LONG TIME since I’ve been in a serious relationship.  I don’t think I was ready for one for a while. But at this point…I’m ready to find “that someone”. Not because I need someone but because life is that much better sharing it with people you love.

I’m dabbling in online dating because…I work with all women, friends with all women and I rarely go out anymore so the opportunity to meet someone authentically is pretty unrealistic. I do put up a wall with people….I do.  Who wants to be hurt (again)? No one.  But now it’s to the point where I’m trying to talk myself into going on these dates even though I’m not feeling it. Like tonight I’m supposed to meet a guy for dinner. I don’t feel like it.  Our conversations didn’t exactly get me super psyched.  His pictures didn’t make me super psyched(no offense),  he’s 31 and still living at home (yes the economy doesn’t help etc but…still).  And his career doesn’t seem super great.   Then I try to say “Come on Julie. Give the guy a chance, you never know” but all I do know right now. Is I’d rather stay home tonight then meet up with this fellow tonight.  I bailed.  If he is willing to wait until my spring break to try an resched then cool. BUT….at this point. I’m trying to honor my feelings and if my feelings say “UGH! I really feel like staying in my sweats and watching movies” then ya know what. That’s what I’m going to do.

I have to make a conscious effort lately to say “STOP! Stop thinking about how other people will feel/think. What do YOU want?”   Everyone else aside, what do I want?  Yes, I’m one of the few single 29 year old somethings left. No, I don’t want to be single forever. No, I do not want to bail on this guy last minute and make him feel annoyed. But right now….I just have NO desire to get all dressed up (ya know…looking cute and all).

Maybe  it’s because I don’t like my body right now. Maybe it’s because I’m in a funk and am just tired/lazy. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to get hurt/rejected. IDK what the deep reason behind me bailing is but I don’t care.  All I know is right now….tonight, I do not feel like going on another blind date.

I deserve to follow my feelings without plugging in everyone else’s.

S.A.D.

So,  I have been attempting to address my mental health because it has been a major hindrance to my physical health. Now, it should also be noted that I am fully aware that if I exercise and am more physically active, it will assist in my mental health….

HOWEVER, my  mental state has been MUCH louder than my physical motivation SO…mental is where I need to focus on.

Now, I have no formal diagnosis, but I think it’s safe to say that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder…it’s been a growing awareness of mine for years.  I get blue right around October when the chill enters the air and the leaves begin to change.  Because of my awareness during this time I’ve been trying to plan “fun fall” activities so that the full on depression of darkness to come doesn’t take over. BUT, it just is not enough to keep me out of the winter slump. After the holidays is when I do have a tough time.

THAT being said…right around NOW is when I start to feel better. More optimistic. The times will change tomorrow which means it’ll remain bright out longer (WOOHOO!).   Even friends who haven’t seen me in a month or so say I “seem better” than the last time they saw me.

I should also note that….the past year and a half I’ve gone through pretty difficult times and think I’ve been fighting just regular old depression for about a year. The struggle is real. Fighting the good fight.

BUT with warmer/brighter weather brings the ONE hobby that gives me peace: jogs/walks on the boardwalk.  Last year I got injured which just added salt to the wound of my already depressed state of mind. BUT…I am looking forward to slowly getting back on that horse.

The problem with jogs is that my scoliosis doesn’t like them. But the mental clarity I get from jogging outweighs the stressful impact it has on my body. I’m hoping I can balance it out with enough foam rolling and stretches.

These are not excuses. This is all a reality of my life. Obstacles that I have to decide I am strong enough to overcome. It’s a lot easier to overcome obstacles when the sun is shining 🙂

Positive Affirmations

So,  for Lent I have decided to not give up something but do something positive for myself. I’m not the best Catholic but figure while everyone is giving up chocolate etc that they’ll binge eat at the end of Lent, I want to think more positively instead of “give up”. SO, I decided to read and repeat daily affirmations on the daily.

My biggest struggle in my journey to wellness is the negative self perception I have. SO, I really need to start raising my self esteem and self confidence before I can get myself in tip-top shape.  I enjoy the idea of positive affirmations. I also am working on having a key phrase when negative thoughts and worries pop into my head.   I think what’s most positive and what’s working for me is to say “This serves no purpose” or a simple “let it go”.  While I don’t use it for all my negative thoughts yet, some of the pointless worries that cross my mind have been pushed way with these simple utterances to myself.

SO, today I had my first decent workout in a while. I’ve started at this “new gym”(I say “new gym” because I’ve been a member since December but have barely attended). I’ve been super intimidated by the lay out. My old gym I knew where all the machines were that I needed and I had built a type of confidence and security there. This new gym I feel like I’m still a “guest”. BUT today, I totally went in and owned the place.   Initially, I chickened out and went to my safety elliptical. BUT I went on the “fat burn” on elliptical which I generally don’t do so that was a nice chance of pace. THEN…I decided to (wo)man up and hit up the TRX which was in the center of the gym. I did  a few variations of squats with those.  Hit up 2 machines in the “man section(I say man section because it’s by the free weights and the machines that are very male dominated).  And I enjoy did a little ab exercise on the side of the gym. SO..I’d say this is a very good start to March and I’m going in the right direction with fitness. And by right direction I mean ANY physical activity. I’ve been a true bump on a log since my bootcamp ended.

Spring is almost here and I’m going to be a bridesmaid in 3 months so it’s time I get my act together!!!

Staritng with loving myself and appreciating the small positive steps in the right direction.

“So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul…”

Amen to that.  I have this weird fear of dependency. I don’t even drink coffee I think because the idea of getting hooked and needing something everyday freaks me out.  I’ve never smoked a thing in my life because I’ve seen from my own mother how addictive smoking can be and I don’t ever want to have to depend on something like that.  The good news is this year I’ve become more aware of my dependency issues. Not only that, but I’ve learned I can function independently just fine.

Looking back on my past, I don’t know why there was ever a reason for me to doubt my ability to be independent.  But here I am…standing on my own 2 feet after a tough year.(few years? Life? hehe).  I know my struggles aren’t as huge as other people’s struggles. But I’m coming out of the dark place I’ve been in and feel much better about myself.

Still a lot of things I need to work on, but baby steps.

Today I am sick with a cold.  Been fighting the good fight (elementary teacher problems), washing my hands like a fiend at work,  taking extra vitamins, having my green smoothie shakes in the morning. BUT there’s only so much you can do before the 18 sneezing/coughing/boogery students get ya sick. I’m trying the natural approach to remedying my cold. We’ll see if it works. This pic cracks me up. And yes, I took a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.  Gnarly.

This is what my day looks like. Although what I have to look into is what about the month of February makes me sick. Every year it seems to be a pattern of illness. For some reason the winter month of February is when my immune system says “OK! I’m done fighting for you!”. I need to figure out (outside of a vitamin D deficiency) if there is an allergy or something in February.

Anywho, on the topic of planting my own garden..my continual intro to teaching myself how to cook(and relatively healthy) has been successful.  Last superbowl Sunday I made myself Lettuce Wrapped Tacos. And yes I did watch the SuperBowl and eat my Tacos by myself. #noshame

Boom. Success. FYI I ended up having to use a fork and knife. The lettuce just wasn’t making it easy to eat. And yes, I drank beer. Gooooo football.

My  breakfast smoothie prep. I love that I have a months worth of breakfast smoothies in individual zip locks in the freezer.

AND. As far as independence go…for a while I didn’t feel motivated to make elaborate meals because “it’s just me” and “not like I’m cooking for anyone else”. And Then I realized….that I do deserve a real life full meal.  One day I came home work and decided to make myself something yummy. For a beginner cook, I’m proud of myself. Baked Almond Flour breaded chicken with bbq sauce over greens, mixed veggies and potatoes( I went a lil heavy on potatoes but whatever).

I haven’t been to the gym. But, I’d say that I’m taking small, functional steps in a healthy progression. Once I’m able to breathe again I’ll start back at the gym. I like that I’m finally giving myself credit for making positive choices.

Stop waiting

So,  in my journey of wellness, I’ve really been focusing lately on the internal things; my mental state.  I’m way over analytical which has it’s positives but definitely has it’s negatives as well.  At the moment I trying to find the root of some of my issues so that I can prevent them in the future.

The quote above is one that I’m trying to focus on this week.  I feel like we live in a society where there are certain things that “should” happen and when they don’t you feel like you’re “waiting” for them to happen. Landing the dream job, owning a dream home, finding your true love, etc etc..

I feel as though I have seen a lot of people trying to follow this standard that is around.   People in my generation are comparing their journey to those of their parents. But our parents were married, owning homes, with children by like 26.   The reality of the economy, student loan debt, expectations of men/women both working, etc etc is just so different. Times are different now.

And I feel like a lot of people in my generation are stumbling because there is this feeling of “failure” if we aren’t where we “should be” in life yet.  And then there are the people that force themselves into that mold and then find themselves unhappy. There are a bunch of people in my generation that are divorced before the age of 30.  It’s like they were rushing into the life they thought they should have, before realizing it wasn’t right.

I for one, don’t want to rush. I’m 29, single, living in an apt, credit card/student loan debt, in a job that I don’t envision myself staying in for the next 35 years. I have to start enjoying just the day to day things.  Who cares if I’m not where I “should be”. I’m functioning independently. I’m not settling in a relationship that I’ll wake up 5 or 10 years down the line completely miserable in.  I’m in the right direction in my career, learning valuable lessons and meeting incredible/interesting people in the process.

So I’ll spend my day, by myself in my pjs? Cool.  I am blessed to be able to do this. I am blessed that I have a full time job, as well as part time jobs. I’m blessed that I have friends that want to hang out with me and enjoy my company.

I’m really starting to feel better mentally and that will only lead to better things physically. Thank the Lord because last year wasn’t ok!

Onward and upward!

I am enough

So, haven’t written in here in a while.  I’ve definitely lost my focus. I’ve gone to the gym one or 2 times a week lately. My diet has been atrocious. And aside from this weekend being my bday weekend, the majority of my time off has been spent binge watching Netflix.

This time of winter I do generally go into the anti-social, hibernation mode. Living on my own is just enabling the isolation of humanity. Fortunately, I had a good bday weekend.

I’m feelng very lucky that I have people in this world that care about me. More importantly, I am feeling very lucky that there are people in this world who think I’m a good person. Since I’ve been in this funk, somehow, my inner voice kept telling me I’m a bad person and a bad friend.  When I would vocalize this to anyone, I know how irrational it sounds.

I work with special needs children. I often put everyone elses feelings before mine. I’ve done my fair share of volunteer work.  I’m polite to people. Aside from the occasional underage drinking back in the day and speeding, I’ve never done anything illegal.

SO, I KNOW that me thinking I’m a bad person is just ridiculous. BUT that’s where I was.  Mentally I’m still not loving myself.  I’m overweight. And just blah! Can’t fit into things I used to. SOOO….yea.  I’m meeting with a personal trainer for a free session for my bday so I’m hoping he/she will make me feel a little more comfortable about the machines at the gym. I used to be a beast at the gym I used to go to but now that I’m in new turf I feel kind of funky.

I’ll get back in my groove!

I posted this bold pic of me at the beach this summer on social meda which is NOT how I usually roll.   I was feeling totally down with life, down with my self. My ankle injury was preventing me from any lower body workouts. Since then I’ve probably gained about 15 pounds so even though I was unhappy with my weight then, I’d happily go back to it!. And this angle is flattering for anyone but I’ll post it because this is the caption I had for it:

I’m in the worst shape of my life & have been feeling like crap about myself. Ya know what, I don’t look 1/2 bad considering! ‪#‎selflove‬ ‪#‎hatersgonnahate‬ ‪#‎ownit

I told you to be patient, I told you to be kind..

My journey to wellness has been a struggle.  I think the first step is knowing that what is happening isn’t healthy. And I’ve always had that type of self awareness.  I’m trying to get out of my funk but I think it’s important to realize that I am fighting a very difficult battle with myself.

I cannot say it’s a formal diagnosis, but I am starting to realize that I am struggling with depression.   I’ve been going to therapy for almost 8 months now…so props to me for reaching out and realizing I need help!

Lately, I’m just having a hard time motivating myself to do anything but the bare essentials.  Yes I’ll get out of bed and do what I need to do. I’ll go to work and act like everything’s fine.  I’ll try and be social if for no other reason than because I know that if I am not, I could go in a very downward spiral.  But the struggle is SO real lately.

My health and fitness have taken a hit the past week and a few days just because….I am tired and hate myself and hate everything and can’t handle going above and beyond. I KNOW that in order to feel better I NEED to get up and go do something and exercise. And If I eat properly will help with my mood and self esteem. But the amount of steps it takes to do that opposed to not is too much for me to mentally and emotionally handle.

It’S SO SO hard to pull myself out of this. I wish more people would understand. When you are down in the dumps it’s not a matter of you being “lazy”. That’s why I let myself go this year.  It’s not an excuse either. It’s literally like an illness almost.   I’m trying to beat it. Get past it. Keep doing positive things. But I am very much still in the self-sabotage stage right now.

I think what set me off is a coworker incident at work on top of family stresses and the holidays.  It’s a lot for me to mentally cope with. Plus I’m at the mechanic right now and I have to get new brakes and roters and blah blah blah MORE credit card debt.

This week I literally just had a moment where I hated everything and everyone myself included.  TOUGH man.   I’m going to get through this and I am going to improve my exercise and eating routine. But, I need to take smaller steps with it. Or else I will set myself up for failure and the last thing I need to do is have another reason to feel bad about myself.

I think it is important for me to realize I’m not just fighting “stress” but fighting in some aspect “depression”.  Crying on my way to work, feeling down about myself, feeling unmotivated, tired, alone, etc….is a good sign of that. AND it’s ok.  I’ll be ok. I need to focus day to day positive things.

I know I can get through this, it’s just making my journey to wellness with fitness and diet and mental health a little difficult.

Things I Need to tell myself:

1. I am not a bad person

2. People care about me.

Fierce!

Alright, SO, I had a bit of a set back this week. Which is a shame really. BUT that is life.  Strive for progress not perfection right? I mean, I went to workout Thanksgiving morning, and spent 2 other days of cardio. SO…that’s a plus.

What caused my setbacks? Thanksgiving & Stress!!!!!

Thanksgiving kind of was involved with the stress.  It was my first Thanksgiving where it was apparent that I’m dealing with life on my own(with some help with friends obviously!).  I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the holiday and really tried to anticipate my feelings so the actual day wasn’t too hard. And that proved successful. I had a hefty workout in the morning, made my own breakfast and watched the parade. I made it the whole day without crying(that’s a sad thing to count as an accomplishment, but WHATEVER! I’ll take my positives where I can )

I also had a stressful day at work right before the break started. I’m having issues with a coworker and it is really just a constant walking on eggs shells with that one.  It upsetting to feel like your not respected in your workplace.  There’s definitely a lack of stability there.  There’s not much I can do about it. I’ve remained professional and taken a lot of hits with stride to be “the bigger person”.   It’s been 3 years of being the bigger person and it is a bit much to handle at times. BUT the best I can do is remain professional, let it roll off my shoulders and continue to apply to other job opportunities to get me out of this toxic environment.

I can’t continue to let stress control my life!!! I’m trying though!  I started reading in the evenings which distracts my racing mind.  Drinking my Green Tea in the morning, exercising more, and just doing my thing.

I think it’s definitely harder to strengthen my mind then strengthen my muscles!