Balance is key

Hello blog world! I’m going to make a strong effort to post on this blog and would appreciate any and all (positive) feedback to assist on my continual journey to wellness! That being said, follow me on instagram: Journey2Wellness29

My new focus for 2016 will revolve around BALANCE.  I know I’ve struggled with this in the past. I finally had a realization lately that my lack of balance is negatively impacting my mood/perspective.

Perfect example of my misbalance/extremist ways.   I work in an urban school as a special education teacher for under privileged students  during the day. And nanny for over privileged, very wealthy kids in the evenings/weekends.

I became aware of how different it is when I had one student, who is the sweetest kid ever, tell me that Santa forgot him last year. My heart just broke.

Then the following weekend I’m babysitting for the rich kids who are…not the best behaved(I’m being generous here). They were throwing their scooters around on the ground like they were nothing.  At one point in the day I brought up Santa and how they have to be good for Santa to come and the 5 year old literally was like “Whatever! Santa can’t see me!”.  Like,  that’s officially when I decided that these kids are not for me. If a 5 year old doesn’t respect Santa, how the heck am I supposed to get respect?

I literally spent part of my day in a ghetto and the other part of my day in a mansion.   I need to find balance.  The first step is admitting.

On a random note:

How I started my Monday Morning:   Up and out early for parent teacher conferences before Winter Break starts (tomorrow at 12:30!!).  Loaded up the blender with all types of immune boosting things…and then…BOOM. Spilled three fourths of it on my counter.  I yelled out a few profanities but then cleaned up, grabbed my 1/4 smoothie, threw a breakfast bar in my purse and was on my way. If the worst part of my day is spilling a smoothie I’d say I’m making out ok!

 

 

There are ways to really live in the present moment….

So, my post yesterday was all about coming back and kicking butt and being a bad ass bitch. BUT then I didn’t sleep well and it was rainy and I was tired and yada yada yada.  I didn’t hit up the gym like I had planned. I know excuses excuses.

BUT I need to start taking small steps instead of expecting miraculous changes in my behavior over night.  30 minutes of my own physical therapy session was what I did and it really did make me feel more positive about myself.  I listened to a motivational speech playlist on 8tracks and felt pretty decent about myself.

I have my alarm set for tomorrow so I can at least fit in a stretch and a mild exercise regime in the A.M.

The biggest thing is not harping on my poor choices but focusing on my positive ones.

Positives of today:

1. Waking up and getting up 🙂 (hehhe)
2. Making it to and from work in yucky rain with no issues
3. My students improving their multiplication skills!
4. Students LOVING the simple activity I picked for them on the fly
5. Eating a kind bar for breakfast and carrots/hummus for lunch
6. Drinking 80 oz of water today
7. Doing my physical therapy stretches for the first time in a month

Tomorrow is ALREADY Wednesday! Woot!Woot!

Moving forward

Hello fitness blog! Long time no see!  So, what I learned throughout this “Journey to Wellness” so far is that you(I) really need to work from the inside out.

It’s taken me a while and a lot of not great feelings to get  me to this point where I’m saying “OK! Time to move forward!”

I finally began to admit to myself as well as friends that the “How did I allow myself to get like this?!?!” Well the answer was simple.

1. Injuries.
2. STRESS
3. Depression
4. Anxiety
5. STRESS

I really put in effort to address these issues.  It’s been a struggle but I’m back and willing to move forward to that’s all that matters.

It took me dress shopping for a wedding and realizing I’m now that person who hates photograph outside of selfies that only photograph from the neck up! That is NOT the way to live.

So since my last post I had an Achilles injury. I started physical therapy for that and everyone told me to not do much physical activity until that was healed.  Throughout THAT process I finally came to realize that the hip pain I’ve had for the past 13+ years was not ok so I should get that checked out.

The docs had me worried for a second that I had some tear they’d have to do surgery to fix BUT….turns out I have bilateral tendonitis of the hips.  Which…..is really not the worse case scenario.

I thought my scoliosis was the reason for all this hip pain but it was not.  I was also paranoid that since osteoarthritis runs in my family that I was going to need a hip replacement.  As per my x-ray sand MRI my hip joints are “pristine” as the doctor put it.

So, I will be

A.  Doing serious stretching of my hips.

B.  I will continue to run if I feel like it because I’m not grinding my hips to a pulp and running makes me happy!!!!

That being said…I really truly do know mostly what I have to do…it’s just freaking doing it!!!!

I told myself that tomorrow I’d get my booty to the gym, it’s been nearly half a year since I’ve gone which is just…ridiculous. Even if I just get on the elliptical(after 30 minutes of stretching so I don’t injure my hips/Achilles) I’m going to do it!!

I hope to build an audience on this blog so I have some cyber encouragement on this journey and maybe I’ll actually start posting more!!!

I’m back and I’m ready to be the bad ass bitch I was destined to be. hehe.

Stay tuned folks.  Hip tendonitis, scoliosis, ankle injuries, depression/anxiety, life struggles, stress, negative self talk is not going to hold me back anymore!!!

Putting me first!

The recurring issue I am having mentally is learning that my feelings are real and legitimate and not any less important than my friends and families feelings.  My needs and desires are JUST as important and quite frankly, in my world they should be MORE important, than anyone else’s.

I’m in that stage of my late twenties when much of my time and money is being invested in other people.   Weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, first communions, engagement parties, housewarming parties, babies first birthday, 1st communions etc.   Financially I am struggling lately and it’s so hard to really think about how much money I am putting towards other people. Just being a bridesmaid for one wedding is costing me about $1000 when all is said and done (dress, alterations, shoes, bridal shower, gifts, hotel room, bachelorette party). Legitimately, I am working a 2nd job to cover the costs of my friends/families life milestones.   Then I get worried applying to another weekend job because I have some kind of shower/celebration the next 3 weeks and then again in another month!

I don’t want to be THAT person that isn’t happy for everyone else. I really, and truly am happy for all my friends/family who find happiness in whatever life event they are experiencing currently. And I am so honored to be close enough to someone that they would want me to be a part of their “big day”.  I’m in my 4th wedding now in the past 6 years.  Believe me, there are friends of mine that were in 4 weddings in one year.

BUT I start to ask myself…do they appreciate the fact that I have to work a 2nd job to be a part of her big day? That I am spending the little $ I have….on THEM and their life.

I feel very Carrie Bradshaw like because there’s the episode where she has like a “I’m marrying myself” party.    I know (hope/pray!) that one day I’ll have milestones to share, but right now it’s really just a one way giving streak (me being the giver….my friends/family being the receivers).   It’s just hard….when it’s the people you spend a lot of your very little money on that you tend to see less and less and you become less and less a part of their life with every new milestone they experience. So it’s like “Welp! I’ve spent $1600 on their engagement party, wedding, bachelorette, bridal shower, housewarming, baby shower, baptism, babies first bday” and then you never hear from them again. Or you only hear from them when they’re sending you an invitation to their NEXT big life event.

It’s not selfish of me to stop giving if I don’t feel like these people are positively contributing to my life in some way. It’s not rude of me if I have to give less than the “proper etiquette” amount of a gift if I don’t have that money.  If these people really do appreciate me they will understand that I am giving as much as I can without putting myself in a bad place financially (although I already am in a bad place financially because of family that I helped get out of a tough place).

It’s NOT selfish to put me first! I need to stop basing my decisions on other peoples feelings and just do what makes me feel good.

I deserve better.

This week was one of those weeks I felt kind of “blah” again.  It’s been a long work week. So long that I took today off for my own sanity. Spring break is coming up (thank goodness…I just need a whole week away from the grind).

“I deserve better” goes towards a lot of things in my life.   I deserve to feel good, I deserve to eat good, I deserve to be fit, I deserve a healthy relationship…etc etc.

This was another week of not the best choices diet and exercise wise.  I started off the week ok but with stress I just go back to the familiar feeling. “Let me just pick up something quick”.  “I’m too tired to go to the gym”  “I’m too tired to get up and exercise”.  I’ll get there. This break I’m looking forward to meal prepping and such and setting up something simple to follow for these busy, stressful times.

I deserve better even goes towards relationships. So, I’m single and would like to change that sooner than later. It’s been a LONG TIME since I’ve been in a serious relationship.  I don’t think I was ready for one for a while. But at this point…I’m ready to find “that someone”. Not because I need someone but because life is that much better sharing it with people you love.

I’m dabbling in online dating because…I work with all women, friends with all women and I rarely go out anymore so the opportunity to meet someone authentically is pretty unrealistic. I do put up a wall with people….I do.  Who wants to be hurt (again)? No one.  But now it’s to the point where I’m trying to talk myself into going on these dates even though I’m not feeling it. Like tonight I’m supposed to meet a guy for dinner. I don’t feel like it.  Our conversations didn’t exactly get me super psyched.  His pictures didn’t make me super psyched(no offense),  he’s 31 and still living at home (yes the economy doesn’t help etc but…still).  And his career doesn’t seem super great.   Then I try to say “Come on Julie. Give the guy a chance, you never know” but all I do know right now. Is I’d rather stay home tonight then meet up with this fellow tonight.  I bailed.  If he is willing to wait until my spring break to try an resched then cool. BUT….at this point. I’m trying to honor my feelings and if my feelings say “UGH! I really feel like staying in my sweats and watching movies” then ya know what. That’s what I’m going to do.

I have to make a conscious effort lately to say “STOP! Stop thinking about how other people will feel/think. What do YOU want?”   Everyone else aside, what do I want?  Yes, I’m one of the few single 29 year old somethings left. No, I don’t want to be single forever. No, I do not want to bail on this guy last minute and make him feel annoyed. But right now….I just have NO desire to get all dressed up (ya know…looking cute and all).

Maybe  it’s because I don’t like my body right now. Maybe it’s because I’m in a funk and am just tired/lazy. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to get hurt/rejected. IDK what the deep reason behind me bailing is but I don’t care.  All I know is right now….tonight, I do not feel like going on another blind date.

I deserve to follow my feelings without plugging in everyone else’s.

Every small step is a step

So, I’m learning that I have to focus on small goals or else I get a bit discouraged!  Now that the weather has cleared a bit and it’s staying brighter out later, I’m much more motivated to do *things* after work.  For a while there(like…a year) I would just come home and veg if I had no plans.  I can’t believe that was my reality. BUT it was…oh well!

If the weather has been remotely warmish(above 45) I’ve been trying to get outside a bit since that’s an automatic mood booster.

Here is me “wogging” aka mostly walking but some light jogging at the boardwalk.   I hit up the elliptical yesterday and for some reason my back/ribs are very achey today.  My scoliosis doesn’t enjoy my running but I’ve been stretching and foam rolling like a beast lately. Still that time of year when it’s wayyy colder at the beach (ok like 10 degrees) then at my apt 2 miles inland. lol.

I’ve been experimenting with cooking(beginner cook over here). I had a lil gathering at my apt yesterday(Sunday) which is usually my meal prepping/organize for the work week day so I made sausage and peppers in the crock pot.  SUCCESS!

I had pasta with it. Oh well. I’m trying to finish all the pasta I  have in my apt so that I can reload with quinoa pasta. And of course spaghetti squash!

 

And I was super impressed with my snack display at my mini apt gathering.  I’m kind of new to being “hostess” to anything…not usually my thang. BUT I’m getting less stressed over it. Initially I was going to make these elaborate snacks and then I simplified(as a I should start doing in all aspects of my life). 3 ingredient fruit dip(vanilla yogurt, peanut butter, honey..YUM!!), and guacamole(my first time making it from scratch I know weird. And I used bottled lime juice instead of real lime and it def makes a difference).

Life is about balance. I’m learning what works best for me and focusing less on trying to be perfect. It’s all about compromise.  Running DOES make me super achy because of my scoliosis. BUT if I stretch enough I’m hoping it’ll at least prevent major injury since jogging provides me with so much mental relief.

3 pictures of positive steps I took this week. Go ME!

S.A.D.

So,  I have been attempting to address my mental health because it has been a major hindrance to my physical health. Now, it should also be noted that I am fully aware that if I exercise and am more physically active, it will assist in my mental health….

HOWEVER, my  mental state has been MUCH louder than my physical motivation SO…mental is where I need to focus on.

Now, I have no formal diagnosis, but I think it’s safe to say that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder…it’s been a growing awareness of mine for years.  I get blue right around October when the chill enters the air and the leaves begin to change.  Because of my awareness during this time I’ve been trying to plan “fun fall” activities so that the full on depression of darkness to come doesn’t take over. BUT, it just is not enough to keep me out of the winter slump. After the holidays is when I do have a tough time.

THAT being said…right around NOW is when I start to feel better. More optimistic. The times will change tomorrow which means it’ll remain bright out longer (WOOHOO!).   Even friends who haven’t seen me in a month or so say I “seem better” than the last time they saw me.

I should also note that….the past year and a half I’ve gone through pretty difficult times and think I’ve been fighting just regular old depression for about a year. The struggle is real. Fighting the good fight.

BUT with warmer/brighter weather brings the ONE hobby that gives me peace: jogs/walks on the boardwalk.  Last year I got injured which just added salt to the wound of my already depressed state of mind. BUT…I am looking forward to slowly getting back on that horse.

The problem with jogs is that my scoliosis doesn’t like them. But the mental clarity I get from jogging outweighs the stressful impact it has on my body. I’m hoping I can balance it out with enough foam rolling and stretches.

These are not excuses. This is all a reality of my life. Obstacles that I have to decide I am strong enough to overcome. It’s a lot easier to overcome obstacles when the sun is shining 🙂

“So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul…”

Amen to that.  I have this weird fear of dependency. I don’t even drink coffee I think because the idea of getting hooked and needing something everyday freaks me out.  I’ve never smoked a thing in my life because I’ve seen from my own mother how addictive smoking can be and I don’t ever want to have to depend on something like that.  The good news is this year I’ve become more aware of my dependency issues. Not only that, but I’ve learned I can function independently just fine.

Looking back on my past, I don’t know why there was ever a reason for me to doubt my ability to be independent.  But here I am…standing on my own 2 feet after a tough year.(few years? Life? hehe).  I know my struggles aren’t as huge as other people’s struggles. But I’m coming out of the dark place I’ve been in and feel much better about myself.

Still a lot of things I need to work on, but baby steps.

Today I am sick with a cold.  Been fighting the good fight (elementary teacher problems), washing my hands like a fiend at work,  taking extra vitamins, having my green smoothie shakes in the morning. BUT there’s only so much you can do before the 18 sneezing/coughing/boogery students get ya sick. I’m trying the natural approach to remedying my cold. We’ll see if it works. This pic cracks me up. And yes, I took a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.  Gnarly.

This is what my day looks like. Although what I have to look into is what about the month of February makes me sick. Every year it seems to be a pattern of illness. For some reason the winter month of February is when my immune system says “OK! I’m done fighting for you!”. I need to figure out (outside of a vitamin D deficiency) if there is an allergy or something in February.

Anywho, on the topic of planting my own garden..my continual intro to teaching myself how to cook(and relatively healthy) has been successful.  Last superbowl Sunday I made myself Lettuce Wrapped Tacos. And yes I did watch the SuperBowl and eat my Tacos by myself. #noshame

Boom. Success. FYI I ended up having to use a fork and knife. The lettuce just wasn’t making it easy to eat. And yes, I drank beer. Gooooo football.

My  breakfast smoothie prep. I love that I have a months worth of breakfast smoothies in individual zip locks in the freezer.

AND. As far as independence go…for a while I didn’t feel motivated to make elaborate meals because “it’s just me” and “not like I’m cooking for anyone else”. And Then I realized….that I do deserve a real life full meal.  One day I came home work and decided to make myself something yummy. For a beginner cook, I’m proud of myself. Baked Almond Flour breaded chicken with bbq sauce over greens, mixed veggies and potatoes( I went a lil heavy on potatoes but whatever).

I haven’t been to the gym. But, I’d say that I’m taking small, functional steps in a healthy progression. Once I’m able to breathe again I’ll start back at the gym. I like that I’m finally giving myself credit for making positive choices.

Stop waiting

So,  in my journey of wellness, I’ve really been focusing lately on the internal things; my mental state.  I’m way over analytical which has it’s positives but definitely has it’s negatives as well.  At the moment I trying to find the root of some of my issues so that I can prevent them in the future.

The quote above is one that I’m trying to focus on this week.  I feel like we live in a society where there are certain things that “should” happen and when they don’t you feel like you’re “waiting” for them to happen. Landing the dream job, owning a dream home, finding your true love, etc etc..

I feel as though I have seen a lot of people trying to follow this standard that is around.   People in my generation are comparing their journey to those of their parents. But our parents were married, owning homes, with children by like 26.   The reality of the economy, student loan debt, expectations of men/women both working, etc etc is just so different. Times are different now.

And I feel like a lot of people in my generation are stumbling because there is this feeling of “failure” if we aren’t where we “should be” in life yet.  And then there are the people that force themselves into that mold and then find themselves unhappy. There are a bunch of people in my generation that are divorced before the age of 30.  It’s like they were rushing into the life they thought they should have, before realizing it wasn’t right.

I for one, don’t want to rush. I’m 29, single, living in an apt, credit card/student loan debt, in a job that I don’t envision myself staying in for the next 35 years. I have to start enjoying just the day to day things.  Who cares if I’m not where I “should be”. I’m functioning independently. I’m not settling in a relationship that I’ll wake up 5 or 10 years down the line completely miserable in.  I’m in the right direction in my career, learning valuable lessons and meeting incredible/interesting people in the process.

So I’ll spend my day, by myself in my pjs? Cool.  I am blessed to be able to do this. I am blessed that I have a full time job, as well as part time jobs. I’m blessed that I have friends that want to hang out with me and enjoy my company.

I’m really starting to feel better mentally and that will only lead to better things physically. Thank the Lord because last year wasn’t ok!

Onward and upward!