Small steps

Hello cyberspace!!!      So today’s post will be me, patting myself on the back from the positive steps I’ve taken in 2016 thus far.

First of all,   I turned 30!! Wooohooo!  The anxiety leading up to turning 30 was much worse than actually turning 30. I almost feel this new sense of confidence. Like, I literally am not on this planet to people please.  I’m 30…I do what I want.

Secondly, at the end of February I took a big leap of faith and signed up for small group training classes at my gym.  It’s additional money but I like the idea that there’s a trainer in the room focusing on only maybe 3-12 people opposed to the big group classes where there could be 20-30 people in the room.

Thirdly,  I’ve began to attempt 5:15 am classes at the gym!  I always said I would attempt that but I lacked follow through. Well, it’s been about a month and I’ve made it to at least 4 of these gym sessions pre-work if I knew making it to the gym after work wasn’t likely. And…here’s the best part, I don’t hate it. In fact, I real big part of me enjoys it.  I have always been a morning person in the sense that once I’m awake I’m not a complete zombie. But honestly, now that it’s not FREEZING outside at 5 am it’s really not too bad.  It definitely helps that I go to a 30 minute HIIT class at the gym so I know that someone will be there telling me exactly what to do. Because if I just showed up at the gym at 5, I would probably just stand on the elliptical for 3o minutes and not fully utilize my time effectively. ALSO,  the first morning class I almost snoozed through but didn’t..I ended up making it to the beach for sunrise….so there’s that!! Look at this beautiful photo.   I literally felt like the universe was rewarding me for going against my inner voice of “go back to bed” and getting my butt up to work out.

 

Lastly,   I’ve gone to yoga twice now in the past month of re entering physical activity and I wasn’t totally hard on myself either! Half way through both classes I felt a sort of calm peace. Not to mention, I really felt like my body was responding positively to it. Down dog wasn’t complete painful 3 minutes into it,  and my arms were starting to look pretty darn toned (gotta love Chaturanga and down dog for that).

My breakfast and lunch during the week is always healthy, it’s my dinner and weekends I need to focus on now in the month of April.  My next post will be the first time I admit that I have a fast food addiction.

But, for now, let’s focus on the positive!

Moving forward

Hello fitness blog! Long time no see!  So, what I learned throughout this “Journey to Wellness” so far is that you(I) really need to work from the inside out.

It’s taken me a while and a lot of not great feelings to get  me to this point where I’m saying “OK! Time to move forward!”

I finally began to admit to myself as well as friends that the “How did I allow myself to get like this?!?!” Well the answer was simple.

1. Injuries.
2. STRESS
3. Depression
4. Anxiety
5. STRESS

I really put in effort to address these issues.  It’s been a struggle but I’m back and willing to move forward to that’s all that matters.

It took me dress shopping for a wedding and realizing I’m now that person who hates photograph outside of selfies that only photograph from the neck up! That is NOT the way to live.

So since my last post I had an Achilles injury. I started physical therapy for that and everyone told me to not do much physical activity until that was healed.  Throughout THAT process I finally came to realize that the hip pain I’ve had for the past 13+ years was not ok so I should get that checked out.

The docs had me worried for a second that I had some tear they’d have to do surgery to fix BUT….turns out I have bilateral tendonitis of the hips.  Which…..is really not the worse case scenario.

I thought my scoliosis was the reason for all this hip pain but it was not.  I was also paranoid that since osteoarthritis runs in my family that I was going to need a hip replacement.  As per my x-ray sand MRI my hip joints are “pristine” as the doctor put it.

So, I will be

A.  Doing serious stretching of my hips.

B.  I will continue to run if I feel like it because I’m not grinding my hips to a pulp and running makes me happy!!!!

That being said…I really truly do know mostly what I have to do…it’s just freaking doing it!!!!

I told myself that tomorrow I’d get my booty to the gym, it’s been nearly half a year since I’ve gone which is just…ridiculous. Even if I just get on the elliptical(after 30 minutes of stretching so I don’t injure my hips/Achilles) I’m going to do it!!

I hope to build an audience on this blog so I have some cyber encouragement on this journey and maybe I’ll actually start posting more!!!

I’m back and I’m ready to be the bad ass bitch I was destined to be. hehe.

Stay tuned folks.  Hip tendonitis, scoliosis, ankle injuries, depression/anxiety, life struggles, stress, negative self talk is not going to hold me back anymore!!!

Every small step is a step

So, I’m learning that I have to focus on small goals or else I get a bit discouraged!  Now that the weather has cleared a bit and it’s staying brighter out later, I’m much more motivated to do *things* after work.  For a while there(like…a year) I would just come home and veg if I had no plans.  I can’t believe that was my reality. BUT it was…oh well!

If the weather has been remotely warmish(above 45) I’ve been trying to get outside a bit since that’s an automatic mood booster.

Here is me “wogging” aka mostly walking but some light jogging at the boardwalk.   I hit up the elliptical yesterday and for some reason my back/ribs are very achey today.  My scoliosis doesn’t enjoy my running but I’ve been stretching and foam rolling like a beast lately. Still that time of year when it’s wayyy colder at the beach (ok like 10 degrees) then at my apt 2 miles inland. lol.

I’ve been experimenting with cooking(beginner cook over here). I had a lil gathering at my apt yesterday(Sunday) which is usually my meal prepping/organize for the work week day so I made sausage and peppers in the crock pot.  SUCCESS!

I had pasta with it. Oh well. I’m trying to finish all the pasta I  have in my apt so that I can reload with quinoa pasta. And of course spaghetti squash!

 

And I was super impressed with my snack display at my mini apt gathering.  I’m kind of new to being “hostess” to anything…not usually my thang. BUT I’m getting less stressed over it. Initially I was going to make these elaborate snacks and then I simplified(as a I should start doing in all aspects of my life). 3 ingredient fruit dip(vanilla yogurt, peanut butter, honey..YUM!!), and guacamole(my first time making it from scratch I know weird. And I used bottled lime juice instead of real lime and it def makes a difference).

Life is about balance. I’m learning what works best for me and focusing less on trying to be perfect. It’s all about compromise.  Running DOES make me super achy because of my scoliosis. BUT if I stretch enough I’m hoping it’ll at least prevent major injury since jogging provides me with so much mental relief.

3 pictures of positive steps I took this week. Go ME!

S.A.D.

So,  I have been attempting to address my mental health because it has been a major hindrance to my physical health. Now, it should also be noted that I am fully aware that if I exercise and am more physically active, it will assist in my mental health….

HOWEVER, my  mental state has been MUCH louder than my physical motivation SO…mental is where I need to focus on.

Now, I have no formal diagnosis, but I think it’s safe to say that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder…it’s been a growing awareness of mine for years.  I get blue right around October when the chill enters the air and the leaves begin to change.  Because of my awareness during this time I’ve been trying to plan “fun fall” activities so that the full on depression of darkness to come doesn’t take over. BUT, it just is not enough to keep me out of the winter slump. After the holidays is when I do have a tough time.

THAT being said…right around NOW is when I start to feel better. More optimistic. The times will change tomorrow which means it’ll remain bright out longer (WOOHOO!).   Even friends who haven’t seen me in a month or so say I “seem better” than the last time they saw me.

I should also note that….the past year and a half I’ve gone through pretty difficult times and think I’ve been fighting just regular old depression for about a year. The struggle is real. Fighting the good fight.

BUT with warmer/brighter weather brings the ONE hobby that gives me peace: jogs/walks on the boardwalk.  Last year I got injured which just added salt to the wound of my already depressed state of mind. BUT…I am looking forward to slowly getting back on that horse.

The problem with jogs is that my scoliosis doesn’t like them. But the mental clarity I get from jogging outweighs the stressful impact it has on my body. I’m hoping I can balance it out with enough foam rolling and stretches.

These are not excuses. This is all a reality of my life. Obstacles that I have to decide I am strong enough to overcome. It’s a lot easier to overcome obstacles when the sun is shining 🙂

Motivation!

My goodness. I’m a teacher and understand it’s very difficult to “teach” motivation. But damn. I used to be “Ms.Motivated”. I used to LOVE working out.   And I am just struggling with motivation lately.

I paid for/joined that 6 week bootcamp thing in November out of desperation because I knew I didn’t have it in me to push that hard. I’m at that point again.

Money is so tight right now but I’m thinking of paying more $$ ontop of my gym membership to do their semi-private workout group.   I need someone pushing me and monitoring my form etc.  I’m half unmotivated to work out and I’m half terrified I’ll injure myself.

I love the idea of the “beachbody” type groups where you follow each other on facebook and have support groups HOWEVER I’m not about the programs. I’m not saying they’re not good programs. They are hella expensive though.   I’d love to be a “coach” in the sense of just posting workouts/motivation/meals etc without the link to a specific program.

Is there such a thing? I’m much better at motivating other people than myself so if I had to do things to motivate others I think I’d do better.

Welp..maybe I’ll set up my own online support group that you don’t have to pay $120 for a specific product.

Positive Affirmations

So,  for Lent I have decided to not give up something but do something positive for myself. I’m not the best Catholic but figure while everyone is giving up chocolate etc that they’ll binge eat at the end of Lent, I want to think more positively instead of “give up”. SO, I decided to read and repeat daily affirmations on the daily.

My biggest struggle in my journey to wellness is the negative self perception I have. SO, I really need to start raising my self esteem and self confidence before I can get myself in tip-top shape.  I enjoy the idea of positive affirmations. I also am working on having a key phrase when negative thoughts and worries pop into my head.   I think what’s most positive and what’s working for me is to say “This serves no purpose” or a simple “let it go”.  While I don’t use it for all my negative thoughts yet, some of the pointless worries that cross my mind have been pushed way with these simple utterances to myself.

SO, today I had my first decent workout in a while. I’ve started at this “new gym”(I say “new gym” because I’ve been a member since December but have barely attended). I’ve been super intimidated by the lay out. My old gym I knew where all the machines were that I needed and I had built a type of confidence and security there. This new gym I feel like I’m still a “guest”. BUT today, I totally went in and owned the place.   Initially, I chickened out and went to my safety elliptical. BUT I went on the “fat burn” on elliptical which I generally don’t do so that was a nice chance of pace. THEN…I decided to (wo)man up and hit up the TRX which was in the center of the gym. I did  a few variations of squats with those.  Hit up 2 machines in the “man section(I say man section because it’s by the free weights and the machines that are very male dominated).  And I enjoy did a little ab exercise on the side of the gym. SO..I’d say this is a very good start to March and I’m going in the right direction with fitness. And by right direction I mean ANY physical activity. I’ve been a true bump on a log since my bootcamp ended.

Spring is almost here and I’m going to be a bridesmaid in 3 months so it’s time I get my act together!!!

Staritng with loving myself and appreciating the small positive steps in the right direction.

“So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul…”

Amen to that.  I have this weird fear of dependency. I don’t even drink coffee I think because the idea of getting hooked and needing something everyday freaks me out.  I’ve never smoked a thing in my life because I’ve seen from my own mother how addictive smoking can be and I don’t ever want to have to depend on something like that.  The good news is this year I’ve become more aware of my dependency issues. Not only that, but I’ve learned I can function independently just fine.

Looking back on my past, I don’t know why there was ever a reason for me to doubt my ability to be independent.  But here I am…standing on my own 2 feet after a tough year.(few years? Life? hehe).  I know my struggles aren’t as huge as other people’s struggles. But I’m coming out of the dark place I’ve been in and feel much better about myself.

Still a lot of things I need to work on, but baby steps.

Today I am sick with a cold.  Been fighting the good fight (elementary teacher problems), washing my hands like a fiend at work,  taking extra vitamins, having my green smoothie shakes in the morning. BUT there’s only so much you can do before the 18 sneezing/coughing/boogery students get ya sick. I’m trying the natural approach to remedying my cold. We’ll see if it works. This pic cracks me up. And yes, I took a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.  Gnarly.

This is what my day looks like. Although what I have to look into is what about the month of February makes me sick. Every year it seems to be a pattern of illness. For some reason the winter month of February is when my immune system says “OK! I’m done fighting for you!”. I need to figure out (outside of a vitamin D deficiency) if there is an allergy or something in February.

Anywho, on the topic of planting my own garden..my continual intro to teaching myself how to cook(and relatively healthy) has been successful.  Last superbowl Sunday I made myself Lettuce Wrapped Tacos. And yes I did watch the SuperBowl and eat my Tacos by myself. #noshame

Boom. Success. FYI I ended up having to use a fork and knife. The lettuce just wasn’t making it easy to eat. And yes, I drank beer. Gooooo football.

My  breakfast smoothie prep. I love that I have a months worth of breakfast smoothies in individual zip locks in the freezer.

AND. As far as independence go…for a while I didn’t feel motivated to make elaborate meals because “it’s just me” and “not like I’m cooking for anyone else”. And Then I realized….that I do deserve a real life full meal.  One day I came home work and decided to make myself something yummy. For a beginner cook, I’m proud of myself. Baked Almond Flour breaded chicken with bbq sauce over greens, mixed veggies and potatoes( I went a lil heavy on potatoes but whatever).

I haven’t been to the gym. But, I’d say that I’m taking small, functional steps in a healthy progression. Once I’m able to breathe again I’ll start back at the gym. I like that I’m finally giving myself credit for making positive choices.

Stop waiting

So,  in my journey of wellness, I’ve really been focusing lately on the internal things; my mental state.  I’m way over analytical which has it’s positives but definitely has it’s negatives as well.  At the moment I trying to find the root of some of my issues so that I can prevent them in the future.

The quote above is one that I’m trying to focus on this week.  I feel like we live in a society where there are certain things that “should” happen and when they don’t you feel like you’re “waiting” for them to happen. Landing the dream job, owning a dream home, finding your true love, etc etc..

I feel as though I have seen a lot of people trying to follow this standard that is around.   People in my generation are comparing their journey to those of their parents. But our parents were married, owning homes, with children by like 26.   The reality of the economy, student loan debt, expectations of men/women both working, etc etc is just so different. Times are different now.

And I feel like a lot of people in my generation are stumbling because there is this feeling of “failure” if we aren’t where we “should be” in life yet.  And then there are the people that force themselves into that mold and then find themselves unhappy. There are a bunch of people in my generation that are divorced before the age of 30.  It’s like they were rushing into the life they thought they should have, before realizing it wasn’t right.

I for one, don’t want to rush. I’m 29, single, living in an apt, credit card/student loan debt, in a job that I don’t envision myself staying in for the next 35 years. I have to start enjoying just the day to day things.  Who cares if I’m not where I “should be”. I’m functioning independently. I’m not settling in a relationship that I’ll wake up 5 or 10 years down the line completely miserable in.  I’m in the right direction in my career, learning valuable lessons and meeting incredible/interesting people in the process.

So I’ll spend my day, by myself in my pjs? Cool.  I am blessed to be able to do this. I am blessed that I have a full time job, as well as part time jobs. I’m blessed that I have friends that want to hang out with me and enjoy my company.

I’m really starting to feel better mentally and that will only lead to better things physically. Thank the Lord because last year wasn’t ok!

Onward and upward!

I am enough

So, haven’t written in here in a while.  I’ve definitely lost my focus. I’ve gone to the gym one or 2 times a week lately. My diet has been atrocious. And aside from this weekend being my bday weekend, the majority of my time off has been spent binge watching Netflix.

This time of winter I do generally go into the anti-social, hibernation mode. Living on my own is just enabling the isolation of humanity. Fortunately, I had a good bday weekend.

I’m feelng very lucky that I have people in this world that care about me. More importantly, I am feeling very lucky that there are people in this world who think I’m a good person. Since I’ve been in this funk, somehow, my inner voice kept telling me I’m a bad person and a bad friend.  When I would vocalize this to anyone, I know how irrational it sounds.

I work with special needs children. I often put everyone elses feelings before mine. I’ve done my fair share of volunteer work.  I’m polite to people. Aside from the occasional underage drinking back in the day and speeding, I’ve never done anything illegal.

SO, I KNOW that me thinking I’m a bad person is just ridiculous. BUT that’s where I was.  Mentally I’m still not loving myself.  I’m overweight. And just blah! Can’t fit into things I used to. SOOO….yea.  I’m meeting with a personal trainer for a free session for my bday so I’m hoping he/she will make me feel a little more comfortable about the machines at the gym. I used to be a beast at the gym I used to go to but now that I’m in new turf I feel kind of funky.

I’ll get back in my groove!

I posted this bold pic of me at the beach this summer on social meda which is NOT how I usually roll.   I was feeling totally down with life, down with my self. My ankle injury was preventing me from any lower body workouts. Since then I’ve probably gained about 15 pounds so even though I was unhappy with my weight then, I’d happily go back to it!. And this angle is flattering for anyone but I’ll post it because this is the caption I had for it:

I’m in the worst shape of my life & have been feeling like crap about myself. Ya know what, I don’t look 1/2 bad considering! ‪#‎selflove‬ ‪#‎hatersgonnahate‬ ‪#‎ownit

I told you to be patient, I told you to be kind..

My journey to wellness has been a struggle.  I think the first step is knowing that what is happening isn’t healthy. And I’ve always had that type of self awareness.  I’m trying to get out of my funk but I think it’s important to realize that I am fighting a very difficult battle with myself.

I cannot say it’s a formal diagnosis, but I am starting to realize that I am struggling with depression.   I’ve been going to therapy for almost 8 months now…so props to me for reaching out and realizing I need help!

Lately, I’m just having a hard time motivating myself to do anything but the bare essentials.  Yes I’ll get out of bed and do what I need to do. I’ll go to work and act like everything’s fine.  I’ll try and be social if for no other reason than because I know that if I am not, I could go in a very downward spiral.  But the struggle is SO real lately.

My health and fitness have taken a hit the past week and a few days just because….I am tired and hate myself and hate everything and can’t handle going above and beyond. I KNOW that in order to feel better I NEED to get up and go do something and exercise. And If I eat properly will help with my mood and self esteem. But the amount of steps it takes to do that opposed to not is too much for me to mentally and emotionally handle.

It’S SO SO hard to pull myself out of this. I wish more people would understand. When you are down in the dumps it’s not a matter of you being “lazy”. That’s why I let myself go this year.  It’s not an excuse either. It’s literally like an illness almost.   I’m trying to beat it. Get past it. Keep doing positive things. But I am very much still in the self-sabotage stage right now.

I think what set me off is a coworker incident at work on top of family stresses and the holidays.  It’s a lot for me to mentally cope with. Plus I’m at the mechanic right now and I have to get new brakes and roters and blah blah blah MORE credit card debt.

This week I literally just had a moment where I hated everything and everyone myself included.  TOUGH man.   I’m going to get through this and I am going to improve my exercise and eating routine. But, I need to take smaller steps with it. Or else I will set myself up for failure and the last thing I need to do is have another reason to feel bad about myself.

I think it is important for me to realize I’m not just fighting “stress” but fighting in some aspect “depression”.  Crying on my way to work, feeling down about myself, feeling unmotivated, tired, alone, etc….is a good sign of that. AND it’s ok.  I’ll be ok. I need to focus day to day positive things.

I know I can get through this, it’s just making my journey to wellness with fitness and diet and mental health a little difficult.

Things I Need to tell myself:

1. I am not a bad person

2. People care about me.