Small steps

Hello cyberspace!!!      So today’s post will be me, patting myself on the back from the positive steps I’ve taken in 2016 thus far.

First of all,   I turned 30!! Wooohooo!  The anxiety leading up to turning 30 was much worse than actually turning 30. I almost feel this new sense of confidence. Like, I literally am not on this planet to people please.  I’m 30…I do what I want.

Secondly, at the end of February I took a big leap of faith and signed up for small group training classes at my gym.  It’s additional money but I like the idea that there’s a trainer in the room focusing on only maybe 3-12 people opposed to the big group classes where there could be 20-30 people in the room.

Thirdly,  I’ve began to attempt 5:15 am classes at the gym!  I always said I would attempt that but I lacked follow through. Well, it’s been about a month and I’ve made it to at least 4 of these gym sessions pre-work if I knew making it to the gym after work wasn’t likely. And…here’s the best part, I don’t hate it. In fact, I real big part of me enjoys it.  I have always been a morning person in the sense that once I’m awake I’m not a complete zombie. But honestly, now that it’s not FREEZING outside at 5 am it’s really not too bad.  It definitely helps that I go to a 30 minute HIIT class at the gym so I know that someone will be there telling me exactly what to do. Because if I just showed up at the gym at 5, I would probably just stand on the elliptical for 3o minutes and not fully utilize my time effectively. ALSO,  the first morning class I almost snoozed through but didn’t..I ended up making it to the beach for sunrise….so there’s that!! Look at this beautiful photo.   I literally felt like the universe was rewarding me for going against my inner voice of “go back to bed” and getting my butt up to work out.

 

Lastly,   I’ve gone to yoga twice now in the past month of re entering physical activity and I wasn’t totally hard on myself either! Half way through both classes I felt a sort of calm peace. Not to mention, I really felt like my body was responding positively to it. Down dog wasn’t complete painful 3 minutes into it,  and my arms were starting to look pretty darn toned (gotta love Chaturanga and down dog for that).

My breakfast and lunch during the week is always healthy, it’s my dinner and weekends I need to focus on now in the month of April.  My next post will be the first time I admit that I have a fast food addiction.

But, for now, let’s focus on the positive!

Balance is key

Hello blog world! I’m going to make a strong effort to post on this blog and would appreciate any and all (positive) feedback to assist on my continual journey to wellness! That being said, follow me on instagram: Journey2Wellness29

My new focus for 2016 will revolve around BALANCE.  I know I’ve struggled with this in the past. I finally had a realization lately that my lack of balance is negatively impacting my mood/perspective.

Perfect example of my misbalance/extremist ways.   I work in an urban school as a special education teacher for under privileged students  during the day. And nanny for over privileged, very wealthy kids in the evenings/weekends.

I became aware of how different it is when I had one student, who is the sweetest kid ever, tell me that Santa forgot him last year. My heart just broke.

Then the following weekend I’m babysitting for the rich kids who are…not the best behaved(I’m being generous here). They were throwing their scooters around on the ground like they were nothing.  At one point in the day I brought up Santa and how they have to be good for Santa to come and the 5 year old literally was like “Whatever! Santa can’t see me!”.  Like,  that’s officially when I decided that these kids are not for me. If a 5 year old doesn’t respect Santa, how the heck am I supposed to get respect?

I literally spent part of my day in a ghetto and the other part of my day in a mansion.   I need to find balance.  The first step is admitting.

On a random note:

How I started my Monday Morning:   Up and out early for parent teacher conferences before Winter Break starts (tomorrow at 12:30!!).  Loaded up the blender with all types of immune boosting things…and then…BOOM. Spilled three fourths of it on my counter.  I yelled out a few profanities but then cleaned up, grabbed my 1/4 smoothie, threw a breakfast bar in my purse and was on my way. If the worst part of my day is spilling a smoothie I’d say I’m making out ok!

 

 

There are ways to really live in the present moment….

So, my post yesterday was all about coming back and kicking butt and being a bad ass bitch. BUT then I didn’t sleep well and it was rainy and I was tired and yada yada yada.  I didn’t hit up the gym like I had planned. I know excuses excuses.

BUT I need to start taking small steps instead of expecting miraculous changes in my behavior over night.  30 minutes of my own physical therapy session was what I did and it really did make me feel more positive about myself.  I listened to a motivational speech playlist on 8tracks and felt pretty decent about myself.

I have my alarm set for tomorrow so I can at least fit in a stretch and a mild exercise regime in the A.M.

The biggest thing is not harping on my poor choices but focusing on my positive ones.

Positives of today:

1. Waking up and getting up 🙂 (hehhe)
2. Making it to and from work in yucky rain with no issues
3. My students improving their multiplication skills!
4. Students LOVING the simple activity I picked for them on the fly
5. Eating a kind bar for breakfast and carrots/hummus for lunch
6. Drinking 80 oz of water today
7. Doing my physical therapy stretches for the first time in a month

Tomorrow is ALREADY Wednesday! Woot!Woot!

Moving forward

Hello fitness blog! Long time no see!  So, what I learned throughout this “Journey to Wellness” so far is that you(I) really need to work from the inside out.

It’s taken me a while and a lot of not great feelings to get  me to this point where I’m saying “OK! Time to move forward!”

I finally began to admit to myself as well as friends that the “How did I allow myself to get like this?!?!” Well the answer was simple.

1. Injuries.
2. STRESS
3. Depression
4. Anxiety
5. STRESS

I really put in effort to address these issues.  It’s been a struggle but I’m back and willing to move forward to that’s all that matters.

It took me dress shopping for a wedding and realizing I’m now that person who hates photograph outside of selfies that only photograph from the neck up! That is NOT the way to live.

So since my last post I had an Achilles injury. I started physical therapy for that and everyone told me to not do much physical activity until that was healed.  Throughout THAT process I finally came to realize that the hip pain I’ve had for the past 13+ years was not ok so I should get that checked out.

The docs had me worried for a second that I had some tear they’d have to do surgery to fix BUT….turns out I have bilateral tendonitis of the hips.  Which…..is really not the worse case scenario.

I thought my scoliosis was the reason for all this hip pain but it was not.  I was also paranoid that since osteoarthritis runs in my family that I was going to need a hip replacement.  As per my x-ray sand MRI my hip joints are “pristine” as the doctor put it.

So, I will be

A.  Doing serious stretching of my hips.

B.  I will continue to run if I feel like it because I’m not grinding my hips to a pulp and running makes me happy!!!!

That being said…I really truly do know mostly what I have to do…it’s just freaking doing it!!!!

I told myself that tomorrow I’d get my booty to the gym, it’s been nearly half a year since I’ve gone which is just…ridiculous. Even if I just get on the elliptical(after 30 minutes of stretching so I don’t injure my hips/Achilles) I’m going to do it!!

I hope to build an audience on this blog so I have some cyber encouragement on this journey and maybe I’ll actually start posting more!!!

I’m back and I’m ready to be the bad ass bitch I was destined to be. hehe.

Stay tuned folks.  Hip tendonitis, scoliosis, ankle injuries, depression/anxiety, life struggles, stress, negative self talk is not going to hold me back anymore!!!

I deserve better.

This week was one of those weeks I felt kind of “blah” again.  It’s been a long work week. So long that I took today off for my own sanity. Spring break is coming up (thank goodness…I just need a whole week away from the grind).

“I deserve better” goes towards a lot of things in my life.   I deserve to feel good, I deserve to eat good, I deserve to be fit, I deserve a healthy relationship…etc etc.

This was another week of not the best choices diet and exercise wise.  I started off the week ok but with stress I just go back to the familiar feeling. “Let me just pick up something quick”.  “I’m too tired to go to the gym”  “I’m too tired to get up and exercise”.  I’ll get there. This break I’m looking forward to meal prepping and such and setting up something simple to follow for these busy, stressful times.

I deserve better even goes towards relationships. So, I’m single and would like to change that sooner than later. It’s been a LONG TIME since I’ve been in a serious relationship.  I don’t think I was ready for one for a while. But at this point…I’m ready to find “that someone”. Not because I need someone but because life is that much better sharing it with people you love.

I’m dabbling in online dating because…I work with all women, friends with all women and I rarely go out anymore so the opportunity to meet someone authentically is pretty unrealistic. I do put up a wall with people….I do.  Who wants to be hurt (again)? No one.  But now it’s to the point where I’m trying to talk myself into going on these dates even though I’m not feeling it. Like tonight I’m supposed to meet a guy for dinner. I don’t feel like it.  Our conversations didn’t exactly get me super psyched.  His pictures didn’t make me super psyched(no offense),  he’s 31 and still living at home (yes the economy doesn’t help etc but…still).  And his career doesn’t seem super great.   Then I try to say “Come on Julie. Give the guy a chance, you never know” but all I do know right now. Is I’d rather stay home tonight then meet up with this fellow tonight.  I bailed.  If he is willing to wait until my spring break to try an resched then cool. BUT….at this point. I’m trying to honor my feelings and if my feelings say “UGH! I really feel like staying in my sweats and watching movies” then ya know what. That’s what I’m going to do.

I have to make a conscious effort lately to say “STOP! Stop thinking about how other people will feel/think. What do YOU want?”   Everyone else aside, what do I want?  Yes, I’m one of the few single 29 year old somethings left. No, I don’t want to be single forever. No, I do not want to bail on this guy last minute and make him feel annoyed. But right now….I just have NO desire to get all dressed up (ya know…looking cute and all).

Maybe  it’s because I don’t like my body right now. Maybe it’s because I’m in a funk and am just tired/lazy. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to get hurt/rejected. IDK what the deep reason behind me bailing is but I don’t care.  All I know is right now….tonight, I do not feel like going on another blind date.

I deserve to follow my feelings without plugging in everyone else’s.

Every small step is a step

So, I’m learning that I have to focus on small goals or else I get a bit discouraged!  Now that the weather has cleared a bit and it’s staying brighter out later, I’m much more motivated to do *things* after work.  For a while there(like…a year) I would just come home and veg if I had no plans.  I can’t believe that was my reality. BUT it was…oh well!

If the weather has been remotely warmish(above 45) I’ve been trying to get outside a bit since that’s an automatic mood booster.

Here is me “wogging” aka mostly walking but some light jogging at the boardwalk.   I hit up the elliptical yesterday and for some reason my back/ribs are very achey today.  My scoliosis doesn’t enjoy my running but I’ve been stretching and foam rolling like a beast lately. Still that time of year when it’s wayyy colder at the beach (ok like 10 degrees) then at my apt 2 miles inland. lol.

I’ve been experimenting with cooking(beginner cook over here). I had a lil gathering at my apt yesterday(Sunday) which is usually my meal prepping/organize for the work week day so I made sausage and peppers in the crock pot.  SUCCESS!

I had pasta with it. Oh well. I’m trying to finish all the pasta I  have in my apt so that I can reload with quinoa pasta. And of course spaghetti squash!

 

And I was super impressed with my snack display at my mini apt gathering.  I’m kind of new to being “hostess” to anything…not usually my thang. BUT I’m getting less stressed over it. Initially I was going to make these elaborate snacks and then I simplified(as a I should start doing in all aspects of my life). 3 ingredient fruit dip(vanilla yogurt, peanut butter, honey..YUM!!), and guacamole(my first time making it from scratch I know weird. And I used bottled lime juice instead of real lime and it def makes a difference).

Life is about balance. I’m learning what works best for me and focusing less on trying to be perfect. It’s all about compromise.  Running DOES make me super achy because of my scoliosis. BUT if I stretch enough I’m hoping it’ll at least prevent major injury since jogging provides me with so much mental relief.

3 pictures of positive steps I took this week. Go ME!

S.A.D.

So,  I have been attempting to address my mental health because it has been a major hindrance to my physical health. Now, it should also be noted that I am fully aware that if I exercise and am more physically active, it will assist in my mental health….

HOWEVER, my  mental state has been MUCH louder than my physical motivation SO…mental is where I need to focus on.

Now, I have no formal diagnosis, but I think it’s safe to say that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder…it’s been a growing awareness of mine for years.  I get blue right around October when the chill enters the air and the leaves begin to change.  Because of my awareness during this time I’ve been trying to plan “fun fall” activities so that the full on depression of darkness to come doesn’t take over. BUT, it just is not enough to keep me out of the winter slump. After the holidays is when I do have a tough time.

THAT being said…right around NOW is when I start to feel better. More optimistic. The times will change tomorrow which means it’ll remain bright out longer (WOOHOO!).   Even friends who haven’t seen me in a month or so say I “seem better” than the last time they saw me.

I should also note that….the past year and a half I’ve gone through pretty difficult times and think I’ve been fighting just regular old depression for about a year. The struggle is real. Fighting the good fight.

BUT with warmer/brighter weather brings the ONE hobby that gives me peace: jogs/walks on the boardwalk.  Last year I got injured which just added salt to the wound of my already depressed state of mind. BUT…I am looking forward to slowly getting back on that horse.

The problem with jogs is that my scoliosis doesn’t like them. But the mental clarity I get from jogging outweighs the stressful impact it has on my body. I’m hoping I can balance it out with enough foam rolling and stretches.

These are not excuses. This is all a reality of my life. Obstacles that I have to decide I am strong enough to overcome. It’s a lot easier to overcome obstacles when the sun is shining 🙂

“So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul…”

Amen to that.  I have this weird fear of dependency. I don’t even drink coffee I think because the idea of getting hooked and needing something everyday freaks me out.  I’ve never smoked a thing in my life because I’ve seen from my own mother how addictive smoking can be and I don’t ever want to have to depend on something like that.  The good news is this year I’ve become more aware of my dependency issues. Not only that, but I’ve learned I can function independently just fine.

Looking back on my past, I don’t know why there was ever a reason for me to doubt my ability to be independent.  But here I am…standing on my own 2 feet after a tough year.(few years? Life? hehe).  I know my struggles aren’t as huge as other people’s struggles. But I’m coming out of the dark place I’ve been in and feel much better about myself.

Still a lot of things I need to work on, but baby steps.

Today I am sick with a cold.  Been fighting the good fight (elementary teacher problems), washing my hands like a fiend at work,  taking extra vitamins, having my green smoothie shakes in the morning. BUT there’s only so much you can do before the 18 sneezing/coughing/boogery students get ya sick. I’m trying the natural approach to remedying my cold. We’ll see if it works. This pic cracks me up. And yes, I took a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.  Gnarly.

This is what my day looks like. Although what I have to look into is what about the month of February makes me sick. Every year it seems to be a pattern of illness. For some reason the winter month of February is when my immune system says “OK! I’m done fighting for you!”. I need to figure out (outside of a vitamin D deficiency) if there is an allergy or something in February.

Anywho, on the topic of planting my own garden..my continual intro to teaching myself how to cook(and relatively healthy) has been successful.  Last superbowl Sunday I made myself Lettuce Wrapped Tacos. And yes I did watch the SuperBowl and eat my Tacos by myself. #noshame

Boom. Success. FYI I ended up having to use a fork and knife. The lettuce just wasn’t making it easy to eat. And yes, I drank beer. Gooooo football.

My  breakfast smoothie prep. I love that I have a months worth of breakfast smoothies in individual zip locks in the freezer.

AND. As far as independence go…for a while I didn’t feel motivated to make elaborate meals because “it’s just me” and “not like I’m cooking for anyone else”. And Then I realized….that I do deserve a real life full meal.  One day I came home work and decided to make myself something yummy. For a beginner cook, I’m proud of myself. Baked Almond Flour breaded chicken with bbq sauce over greens, mixed veggies and potatoes( I went a lil heavy on potatoes but whatever).

I haven’t been to the gym. But, I’d say that I’m taking small, functional steps in a healthy progression. Once I’m able to breathe again I’ll start back at the gym. I like that I’m finally giving myself credit for making positive choices.

I am enough

So, haven’t written in here in a while.  I’ve definitely lost my focus. I’ve gone to the gym one or 2 times a week lately. My diet has been atrocious. And aside from this weekend being my bday weekend, the majority of my time off has been spent binge watching Netflix.

This time of winter I do generally go into the anti-social, hibernation mode. Living on my own is just enabling the isolation of humanity. Fortunately, I had a good bday weekend.

I’m feelng very lucky that I have people in this world that care about me. More importantly, I am feeling very lucky that there are people in this world who think I’m a good person. Since I’ve been in this funk, somehow, my inner voice kept telling me I’m a bad person and a bad friend.  When I would vocalize this to anyone, I know how irrational it sounds.

I work with special needs children. I often put everyone elses feelings before mine. I’ve done my fair share of volunteer work.  I’m polite to people. Aside from the occasional underage drinking back in the day and speeding, I’ve never done anything illegal.

SO, I KNOW that me thinking I’m a bad person is just ridiculous. BUT that’s where I was.  Mentally I’m still not loving myself.  I’m overweight. And just blah! Can’t fit into things I used to. SOOO….yea.  I’m meeting with a personal trainer for a free session for my bday so I’m hoping he/she will make me feel a little more comfortable about the machines at the gym. I used to be a beast at the gym I used to go to but now that I’m in new turf I feel kind of funky.

I’ll get back in my groove!

I posted this bold pic of me at the beach this summer on social meda which is NOT how I usually roll.   I was feeling totally down with life, down with my self. My ankle injury was preventing me from any lower body workouts. Since then I’ve probably gained about 15 pounds so even though I was unhappy with my weight then, I’d happily go back to it!. And this angle is flattering for anyone but I’ll post it because this is the caption I had for it:

I’m in the worst shape of my life & have been feeling like crap about myself. Ya know what, I don’t look 1/2 bad considering! ‪#‎selflove‬ ‪#‎hatersgonnahate‬ ‪#‎ownit

I told you to be patient, I told you to be kind..

My journey to wellness has been a struggle.  I think the first step is knowing that what is happening isn’t healthy. And I’ve always had that type of self awareness.  I’m trying to get out of my funk but I think it’s important to realize that I am fighting a very difficult battle with myself.

I cannot say it’s a formal diagnosis, but I am starting to realize that I am struggling with depression.   I’ve been going to therapy for almost 8 months now…so props to me for reaching out and realizing I need help!

Lately, I’m just having a hard time motivating myself to do anything but the bare essentials.  Yes I’ll get out of bed and do what I need to do. I’ll go to work and act like everything’s fine.  I’ll try and be social if for no other reason than because I know that if I am not, I could go in a very downward spiral.  But the struggle is SO real lately.

My health and fitness have taken a hit the past week and a few days just because….I am tired and hate myself and hate everything and can’t handle going above and beyond. I KNOW that in order to feel better I NEED to get up and go do something and exercise. And If I eat properly will help with my mood and self esteem. But the amount of steps it takes to do that opposed to not is too much for me to mentally and emotionally handle.

It’S SO SO hard to pull myself out of this. I wish more people would understand. When you are down in the dumps it’s not a matter of you being “lazy”. That’s why I let myself go this year.  It’s not an excuse either. It’s literally like an illness almost.   I’m trying to beat it. Get past it. Keep doing positive things. But I am very much still in the self-sabotage stage right now.

I think what set me off is a coworker incident at work on top of family stresses and the holidays.  It’s a lot for me to mentally cope with. Plus I’m at the mechanic right now and I have to get new brakes and roters and blah blah blah MORE credit card debt.

This week I literally just had a moment where I hated everything and everyone myself included.  TOUGH man.   I’m going to get through this and I am going to improve my exercise and eating routine. But, I need to take smaller steps with it. Or else I will set myself up for failure and the last thing I need to do is have another reason to feel bad about myself.

I think it is important for me to realize I’m not just fighting “stress” but fighting in some aspect “depression”.  Crying on my way to work, feeling down about myself, feeling unmotivated, tired, alone, etc….is a good sign of that. AND it’s ok.  I’ll be ok. I need to focus day to day positive things.

I know I can get through this, it’s just making my journey to wellness with fitness and diet and mental health a little difficult.

Things I Need to tell myself:

1. I am not a bad person

2. People care about me.